1. Masai Graham: I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta.

2. Mark Simmons: Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it's next-day delivery.

3. Olaf Falafel: My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock.

4. Hannah Fairweather: By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I - but it is the same house and it is the same family.

5. Will Mars: I hate funerals - I'm not a mourning person.

6. Olaf Falafel: I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back.

7. Richard Pulsford: I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx.

8. Tim Vine: I used to live hand-to-mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery.

9. Sophie Duker: Don't knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate.

10. Will Duggan: I can't even be bothered to be apathetic these days.